The Hazards of Relativity

Humans make sense of the world by comparing, well, basically everything.  We decide which concert ticket to purchase by comparing the location to the stage.  When choosing an apple, we compare it to all the other apples and against a learned standard of “best apples”.  But it’s not healthy to make our decisions based solely on comparison.  There are hazards of relativity.  When we judge everything through comparison, we limit ourselves.  It’s a warped perspective that takes discipline to avoid.

In order to avoid the hazards of comparison in relative terms, we have to think more in absolute terms.  Instead of judging something against something else, we need to learn to judge it on its own merits.

I had a boss that used to go crazy when I’d tell him I’d saved money.  He insisted that I hadn’t saved anything but had actually SPENT money.  My argument was always that I was going to spend $X for the item, but found it elsewhere for less, so I actually saved money!  We would go round and around on this concept of my having saved the company money because we needed to make the purchase regardless.  And he insisted that I saved nothing.  I may have spent less, but I didn’t save anything.  In the absence of the comparison, he was right.  I had saved nothing.  The true savings came with eliminating the expense altogether.

It’s a fine detail. I spent less and didn’t actually save anything.  But in the grand scheme of things, year over year I managed to avoid spending a ton of money just by comparison shopping for the company.  My success was measured by my performance year over year.  By bringing my department’s spending down, I saved the company a lot.  So, in my mind, it was a true savings and as long as I lowered our outlay, I was saving.

The problem is we look at the value of things compared to other things, rather than at the value on its own.  Consider this… Let’s say you need to buy a couple of items, a new mascara, and a new bike.  

Shopping for the mascara:

Option A:  The mascara you like is available online for $12.00 with free next-day delivery. 

Option B:  You can buy the same mascara in a store 20 minutes away for $5.

If it weren’t an immediate need, which would you choose?  Think about it for a minute.

Consider the bike.  After researching, you’ve decided on a specific model.

Option A:  Your favorite model bike is for sale online for $235 with free next-day delivery.

Option B:  You can buy the same bike in a store 20 minutes away for $228.

Which would you choose?

You could spend a total of 40 minutes time and fuel and come home with your new mascara today for $5.  But if you are willing to wait a day, you can have it delivered to you for $12.  Along the same lines, you could buy the bike online, or have it today for the same $7 less.  It’s the same $7 with the same time commitment and fuel.  But because the “savings” is a larger percentage of the overall cost of the mascara, we see it as a bigger value.  But it’s really not.  You’re still spending only $7 less.  The more important questions, is what is that $7 worth to you?

This whole relativism thing popped into mind this morning while I was complaining about the straight legged sit-ups my daughter had me doing during our fitness training session.  These aren’t a problem for me.  I can do 10, go do something else, and come back and do another 10 – 15.  Some days I can eek out 20 or 25 in a row.  But here’s the thing.  On days that they feel hard, my mind automatically goes to how hard they are, and how many I’m doing “for my age”.  So, I asked my daughter, “How many people can even do these?”  Because, honestly, I know a handful of people who can.  The rest would be unable to launch one off the ground, let alone 10 with straight legs firmly planted on the floor and reaching 4 or 5 inches past their toes. 

But here’s that hazard of relativity…it doesn’t matter what others can do.  It only matters what I am capable and fit enough to do.  And I’ve already shown that I’m capable of a lot.  What does “for my age” matter, or even how many others of any age?  It doesn’t.  Comparison is the thief of joy, and my joy comes with knowing I’m doing my best work for the benefit of myself and others.  I am not best served by shirking off because I’m tired and lazy.  I made myself do them because I really love feeling strong and fit.  And because I want to get rid of my menopaunch.

Same goes for weight management.  We compare ourselves to other people and hope we come out ahead.  But here’s the thing.  Sure, there are people who look worse than you, but there will always be people who are thinner, shapelier, younger that you.   Do you walk down the beach and ask your spouse if you look thinner than HER?  What about her?  Oh, come on…you can’t tell me you haven’t at least thought it!  What about when you’re standing in line at Cold Stones Ice-Cream jonesing for a “Love it” but settling for the “Like it”.  Then, the curvy girl ahead of you orders the “Love it” and now you feel justified because she’s puffier than you are. 

Oh, and it’s not just comparisons that are hazardous.  How about her evil twin, Justification?  I’m the queen of justifying whatever it is I want, whether it’s good for me, or not.  I’m a master at selling myself into something.  “I’ve worked out 5 days in a row, so I deserve a treat.”  For the first couple of months of quarantine, I ate everything I hadn’t been eating in years… homemade bread, waffles, muffins, cookies, crackers, even Coco Krispies cereal!  Ten pounds and 2 months later, I was kicking myself.  It’s a slippery slope, let me tell you.

If you enjoyed this article, you might enjoy What To Do When You Don’t Want To.

What lies do you tell yourself?  How do you justify your own destructive behavior, all in the name of “self-care”?  Do you fall pray to the hazards of relativity?

Let me know in the comments.