Serving Grace and Eating Crow
Back in April, only four weeks from the date my hubby and I returned from our first vacation in nearly a year, a friend posted an article and discussion on giving oneself Grace during this time of quarantine. I personally don’t identify with the need for “self-care” or being kind to oneself. It’s probably a personal flaw that I lack patience in the wringing of hands and general propensity toward doomsday behavior I see all around. Maybe it’s because I’m an empath and I feel what people feel, and it pains me to live in a world where everyone is suffering. But I just don’t resonate with the whole Self-Care movement. It seems so self-indulgent, and it wrinkles my self-identity of being “strong”.
Here’s the thing. I try to look on the bright side of pretty much everything, and sometimes that takes a bit of effort. The scientist in me understands that it makes no sense to thrash about over something we cannot control. Therefore, I try to just accept that which is outside of my spere of influence and let everything else go. Then, if you come in all wallowy and sad, it sends my Libra balance into a wobble. In other words, you’re harshing my mellow.
Problem Solver
You see, I’m that person you want with you in a crisis. While someone is falling apart in the corner, screaming, and rocking back and forth, I’ll be looking for a way to get us all out. I’m a calm, logical, and unemotional problem solver. But once we’re in the safety zone, and I’m home with my glass of Sauvy Blanc, it’s possible you’ll see me cry. Possible, but not probable. You’d have to be one in my inner circle of trust to see me break down, unless I lop off a toe, or something. I have a lot of surge capacity, a phrase coined by Ann Masten, PhD. In Episode 105 of the Speaking of Psychology Podcast, she speaks about the role of resilience. You may also be interesting in my post about learning to develop resilience. Click HERE.
Surge capacity is a collection of adaptive systems — mental and physical — that humans draw on for short-term survival in acutely stressful situations, such as natural disasters. Dr Masten talks about surge capacity and that it can become depleted. What!? So, I guess that’s what’s been happening to me these past couple of weeks. My surge capacity has become depleted. I’m exhausted by the gloom and doom and my pasted-on smile. I even cried at the end of a tv show the other night. The last time I cried over a fictional movie or tv show was The Bridges of Madison County back in 1995.
My Brave Face
The problem for me is that I haven’t mentally crossed the threshold into believing we are living through a natural disaster. So we have to wear masks. So what? Oh, we need to avoid other people? Ok. Got it. Nothing feels unnecessary or unreasonable, or worth complaining about. So, here I am complaining about the effects of putting on a long-term brave face, and I feel ashamed that I’m feeling anything at all because there are many who have it so much worse than I. In my household, we are all well, we have all we want to eat (and then some), the ability to provide for all of our needs, and the financial resources to weather the storm. We’re trying to be a help to those around us who aren’t as fortunate. We share and do what we can to help others get through these tough times. That’s how we cope. But sometimes you have to stop and take care of yourself.
Choking on Those Little Black Feathers
So, this is where the eating crow part comes in, and it’s taken me four months to get here. My friends were right, I need to give myself a little grace. I need to find something to recharge my surge capacity, and fast. I’m tired of cutting my own hair and looking like crap. Referring to my “COVID hair” isn’t as funny as it was a month ago. My quip has grown as old and tired as my attitude.
My massage points are racking up at Massage Envy, because they are open and we haven’t felt comfortable enough to go back. Also, who wants to lay for an hour with a face mask on? I’m all for protecting us all, but I dislike breathing my own discarded air. Still, in the name of self-care, I think we need to schedule that rub down. We joined the massage club after our daughter-in-law gave me a certificate as a gift. While we were working, it was a great way to unwind and work out the kinks of our long commutes and busy life. After we retired, we decided the massage membership was an indulgence that was more expense than we wanted to carry on a monthly basis.
There’s Always a Catch
But here’s the catch…you can’t use your credits if you pause your membership. You have to use up your credits and then pause or cancel. So here we are, racking up the points. We have over a years’ worth each because we were so busy with the move and getting settled, and then the pandemic. So now I’m thinking a weekly 90-minute massage and a monthly facial might be just the thing, right? Then we can cancel the membership and avoid the expense altogether.
I’ve committed to writing 3 days a week, in addition to the rest of the learning and creating that is going on behind the scenes on this website. Some days this feels like a lot. But I made the commitment to myself to get my content up to over 100 articles before I dial back my posting schedule. This is critical in the early stages to drive traffic and show up on the various search engine algorithms. As a result, I write even when I don’t feel like it, and I force myself to keep my promise to myself. I wish I was this committed to exercise. I’d be a size 4!
I’d Like a Side of Grace, Please
All of this to say that I now get what my friends were talking about. It took me awhile, but I’m finally on the same page. In a time where everything is changing fast, and nothing is for sure, I’m serving up a side of Grace, and eating a bit of crow. Do me a favor, though. Just don’t call it self-care.
What types of things are you all doing to maintain your sanity these days? Help a sister out and let me know in the comments. <3
