The Secrets of Shame

As I was writing my post titled, We are What We Believe, I was struck with how much of my story, and why I hadn’t talked about it much, is rooted in shame.  I’m sure you can guess that I ended up down a rabbit hole of research on shame, which led me to these secrets of shame. 

I swear that my blog isn’t really intended to focus on such heavy material, but on the other hand, how can we change our negative focus if we aren’t willing to examine and cast aside the labels we put on ourselves.  Mindset is key to joy!

You’re More Than a Label

We tend to label ourselves, don’t we?  “I’m not a joiner.”  “I am disorganized.”  “I’m a slob.”  “I have a hard time making friends.”  Whatever it is we tell ourselves, all boils down to one simple message, “I’m not enough.”  The truth is you are enough! Shame is about who you are.  But maybe your feelings would be better assigned as guilt.  Guilt is about your behavior.  Guilt is about what you could do better.  Shame, at the core, is about you.  That you should be better.

Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself

Why do we keep telling ourselves we should do something?  Maybe we could do something better, and maybe we will do better next time.  In an article in Forbes magazine, Performance Coach, Brian Bogert, quotes Dr. Brené Brown, and talks about banishing the word should from our language.   Should triggers shame, and mentally puts us on the defensive.  Instead, let’s exchange it with the word “could”, and reflect on the possibilities for learning and growing.

Skeletons in the Closet

My secret weapon, when it comes to overcoming shame, is to throw the door open and expose it.  Anything we keep hidden away holds power over us.  These skeletons are what shame us.  These can be little things, and they can be big things.  But they won’t have power over you if you aren’t afraid others will find out. 

I learned this lesson very early on.  I was the kid who would immediately confess when I had done something wrong.  You see, it’s disarming when you stand in front of someone and tell them what you did.  By doing this, you retain your power and can control the situation.  Nobody has something over you and can’t blame you if you’ve already brought it to light.  More likely the person will appreciate your honesty and help you get out of the jam. 

Courageous Kid

When I was 14, I told my mom I smoked.  I couldn’t handle the guilt and worry of being discovered. So, instead, I met the situation head on.  For me, it is better to see it coming than have to wonder when the other shoe will drop.  The consequences are always less if you own up to it, than if the issue is discovered and you are confronted.  There’s no better way to build trust than to own up to your foibles.  By owning your stuff, you display courage, and gain respect, both of your peers, and of yourself.  You build integrity out of a mishap.

Dr. Brené Brown

I was happy to see the recommendation to bring your shame into the light, in an article in Psychology Today, where they also reference Brené Brown.  In fact all of the articles I found, in some way, referenced Dr. Brené Brown.  I’ve heard her name mentioned many times in different Zoom meetings in recent months, so it felt like I was being led to check her out.  She obviously speaks to my interests in both social and humanistic psychology.

If you haven’t yet discovered her, you should definitely watch her TED talks.  She’s done two.  Start with this one on The Power of Vulnerability before watching her second one on Listening to Shame.  Then finally explore her very robust website, podcast, and printable downloads.  I think I’ve just become a super-fan.  She has 6 bestselling books that I will definitely be working my way through, in my “spare time”.  Here’s a link to her blog post on which order to read her books, if you’d like to dive in to her stuff, too.

My Big Not-So-Secret Secret

It’s pretty obvious that I’m a big world-class geek.  One day, while driving a car full of employees to a luncheon, they were happily chatting in the back seats about this and that.  I chimed in with a little factoid about something related to their story.  I don’t even remember the topic, but I do remember the response…”Boy Jonni, you sure do know a lot about stuff nobody cares about!”   Then there was silence in the car.

My response?  I burst out laughing.  It’s totally the truth!  I do know a lot about stuff nobody cares about.  But this used to be something I hid about myself.  Deep subjects and conversation fascinate me but puts others to sleep.  This might be why I’ve always only had a few really close friends.  I find it stressful and exhausting to monitor my comments and keep them interesting for general audiences. I used to identify as being shy, but later I realized I’m not.  I’m just more introvert than extrovert.  Although I can fake it with the best of them!

Let Your Guard Down

Getting comfortable and building trust is a great way to dispel shame.  Letting my guard down with my coworkers led to trust and deeper personal relationships.  I stopped hiding things about myself, and I realized that some of the things I had been ashamed of actually highlighted my courage and strength, rather than detracting from my legitimacy. 

For example, I never graduated from college.  I hid that little secret for the majority of my 35-year career.  But the truth is, I got hired by a company that only hired college grads.  I worked my way up into middle management and built an excellent reputation in two very different fields, and within 5 divisions and Corporate.  When I think about this, I’m filled with pride, not shame.  

Although I probably wouldn’t go shouting that from the rooftops in the office and risk blow-back, it still shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of.  Through intelligence, tenacity, and ambition, I had an amazing career that brought me great joy.

Ultimately, it’s incredibly freeing to stop pretending to be something you’re not, and to stop hiding.  The older I get, the more comfortable I am in my own skin.  This is one of many gifts of aging.  Many things no longer carry as much importance. I’m no longer held back by secrets of shame.

What have you let go of in your wiser years of aging?