Leaving the Life You Know

I’m pretty good at change.  My early life was filled with lots of it.  I lived in 4 states, went to 3 elementary schools, and two high schools.  My first marriage was short and crazy, as I described in my article on Affirmations.  We lived in 4 different places in fewer than 18 months.  Although my second husband and I were married for 24 years, we also lived in 2 apartments and 3 different houses during that time.  I’ve learned some important lessons on how to keep your sanity when leaving the life you know.

My 24-year marriage ended when I was 46, and the statistics say that women won’t remarry that late in life.  But life can be unpredictable.  I married my high school sweetheart a couple of years later.  I had bought my ex-husband out of my house, and my new husband and I chose to live there. Altogether, that last house was my home for 20 years until last year, when we sold and moved to Arizona.  Here are some things I’ve learned to help keep your sanity during major change.

Know When to Go

Change is inevitable.  You know the old adage, “The only thing constant is change”.  I used to tell people who worked in my last organization that it wasn’t enough to work well with change, they had to actually be someone who thrives with change.

It’s always easier on you when you are the one to “pull the trigger”.  Nobody wants to have their life rug pulled out from under them.  So when things aren’t going quite right, and you’re starting to feel unhappy with your current situation, it’s time to take stock.

I joined in my first Sweet Adelines International chorus  back in 1986, which means I’ve been a member for 34 years.  One day, a member called me and said that she was leaving the chorus.  She had been a member for many years, far more than I had.  She explained that she had been unhappy with the direction the chorus had been moving for some years, and she had tried everything to change things to her liking.  In the end, she decided that the problem was her, not the chorus, and she needed to go somewhere more aligned with her ambition and expectations of leadership.

She taught me an important life lesson that day, one I’ll never forget.  You have to know when to go.  Sometimes the problem isn’t everyone else.  Sometimes the problem is you.  When you don’t like what’s happening, and you spend more time complaining about your circumstances, maybe it’s time to go.  People who stay and stir up discontent among others in an effort to keep things the same, or move things in different direction, can be damaging to the whole community.  Know when to fold ‘em.

Be Willing to Say the Hard Things

But before you go, be willing to have the hard conversations.  It takes a brave person to sit with another and ask for something.  Tell them what’s not working for you.  If someone’s behavior is off-putting, ask them to lunch and tell them.  Maybe they’re mad at you for something.  This will be an excellent opportunity to clear the air.  These conversations can be hard, but they can also deepen a relationship.  Working through conflict is a valuable skill that everyone should learn.  So, the next time someone hurts your feelings, don’t leave.  Tell them.

You Can’t Start a New Chapter in Life if You’re Still Re-Reading the Last One

Isn’t this the truth?  You really need to have clarity in your decision before you can move on.  That’s why it’s important to say the hard things.  But even if you weren’t the one to make the ultimate choice, you have to be able to look to the future.  That’s why I always like to close loose ends, have the hard conversations, get super clear with my personal needs and intentions.

This quote from my home page, “I Never Look Back, I Don’t Live There Anymore” is one of my life quotes.  This same sentiment was said brilliantly by Edna Mode in the Incredibles, “I never look back, Darling.  It distracts from the now.” I loved this so much, I bought the tee-shirt at Disneyland.

Create New Habits

When you have a major life change, it can be hard to move on.  One of the best ways to do this is to create new habits.  Change the way you drive to work.  Ask a new friend to lunch.  Join a committee, or a new club, or start a new hobby.  New practices take mental effort. They say it takes 3 weeks to develop a new habit.

I mentioned that I smoked as a teen.  That addictive habit stayed part of my life for 20 years.  When I finally put those cigarettes down for the last time, I had to change a lot of other habits.  I had to really get to know the triggers that made me want to smoke.  Smoking wasn’t just one habit.  It was a behavior.  It was something I did first thing in the morning, and when I was angry, or frustrated.  I had to learn to deal with adult frustrations without a cigarette in my hand, which was something I had never done because I started smoking so young. 

I’d reach for a cigarette with my morning coffee, with every phone call, after every dinner, after sex.  I literally had to stop drinking coffee and playing darts at the bar with my friends.  In fact, I had to stop going into bars, drinking, and hanging with anyone who smoked.  To quit smoking, I had to quit my life and build a new one.

Redecorate

Whether I find myself needing a change, or trying to change, one of the ways I cope is to redecorate.  I’m not talking about knocking down walls, or pulling up carpet (though those work, too), but simply changing my colors.  It helps to buy a new quilt and throw pillows for the bedroom, or new dish towels for the kitchen, or maybe a new area rug.  I like to look at things differently.  And if it is me that I want to  see differently, I’ll even cut my hair.  These are all mental reminders that there is a new fresh life just waiting for me.

The Grass is Greener Where you Water It

Whenever someone was disgruntled about something at work, our G.M. would say, “The grass is greener where you water it.” Whether you are making a change, or staying the same, your life will be most fulfilling if you put effort into making it wonderful.  Some people put a lot of effort and sometimes even pride into being disruptive and acting out. There’s an angry mantel of “bad ass” underneath that big chip on their shoulders.  I know because I’ve been there.  Even if you think you’re coping and covering, you’re not.  What’s down in the well, comes up in the bucket.  Your attitude and words will reflect your state of mind.  Put in the effort with a trusted friend, clergy, or therapist if necessary, to work through your disappointments.  Water your own grass, and bloom where you’re planted.

Do you have any tips for leaving the life you know?  Join the conversation.