How to Set Boundaries and Hold Your Ground
Does learning how to set boundaries and hold your ground make you nervous? It’s funny how some people, often without realizing it, pressure you into doing things their way. But the moment you hold your boundary, suddenly, you’re the bad guy. Maybe funny isn’t the right word—perhaps ironic or even predictable fits better.
I used to have a boss like that. He could be super insulting, even downright bullying, and if he didn’t get his way, the threats weren’t far behind. But here’s the thing—I’m really good at sticking to my guns and holding my boundaries. When I would draw the line on how I wanted to be treated, it was like he flipped a switch. Out came the insults: “It’s always your way or the highway.”
Sound familiar? That’s exactly how bullies operate. They manipulate you by making you wrong. Their power lies in counting on you to back down or to choose the path of least resistance, which, of course, means giving them what they want. It’s so much easier to just fold under the pressure than to endure the consequences of standing firm. But here’s the secret: standing firm is where the real power lies.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Manipulation
First things first, you need to recognize what’s happening. Bullies thrive on manipulation. Whether it’s a boss, a family member, or even a friend, they know how to push your buttons to make you feel guilty or uncomfortable. The key is to see through the tactics. When someone accuses you of making things difficult, or says, “It’s always your way or the highway,” take a moment to step back and ask yourself, Am I being fair and respectful? If the answer is yes, then set your boundary and stand your ground.
For example, my old boss would start flinging accusations when I drew my line. “It’s always your way or the highway,” he’d say, trying to make me feel like I was the unreasonable one. But here’s the thing—if by “my way” he meant that I required to be treated with respect and dignity, then, yeah, it was absolutely my way or the highway. And that’s okay. I’ve learned how to set boundaries for my own sanity, not as a tactic to make others treat me a certain way.
Step 2: Respond with Calm Confidence
When you’re faced with someone like my old boss, the natural instinct might be to defend yourself or fight back. But that’s exactly what they want. They want to draw an emotional response, and when they do, you’ve already lost ground. The best approach? Respond calmly and confidently.
This is exactly what I did when my boss would lose it. I’d calmly back toward the door and say, “I can see you’re fired up about this situation. Let’s talk again later when we can have a more productive conversation.” Then I’d leave the room, with him usually still standing there, yelling after me. I wasn’t rude or didn’t retaliate. What I did do was simply remove myself from the situation and made it clear that I wasn’t going to be dragged into a shouting match. I set my boundary and I held my ground! (I was so proud of myself.)
Step 3: Give Space and Time
Here’s the beauty of learning to set boundaries: it doesn’t require a confrontation. Once you’ve removed yourself from the immediate conflict, give things time to settle. Some people will calm down and realize they were out of line. Some won’t. But either way, you’ve held your ground.
After one of those heated exchanges, I’d wait a day or two. Sometimes, my boss would call me back into his office as if nothing had happened, and we’d have a productive planning session. Other times, he’d just let it go, and I’d carry on with my original plan. Either way, I didn’t allow myself to be bullied or berated. I maintained my dignity and kept moving forward. Note, also, that I didn’t require him to behave any differently. I accepted him as he is. I simply removed myself from behavior that caused me stress.
You see, holding your boundary is not about winning an argument; it’s about respecting yourself and keeping your mental calm. And trust me, people will take notice.
Step 4: Don’t Engage with Tantrums
We’ve all seen a two-year-old throw a tantrum. It’s loud, it’s messy, and frankly, it’s exhausting. Now, imagine that same tantrum coming from a 40-something adult—it’s even less attractive. Yet, some people resort to these outbursts when they don’t get their way because, in the past, it’s worked. The more you give in to these emotional outbursts, the more they’ll continue to use them. (Same for your two-year-old, by the way.)
The trick is to treat these adult tantrums the same way you’d treat a toddler’s: don’t engage. Keep your calm, take a few deep breaths, and back away from the situation as you would from a growling dog. You can fall apart later if you need to—call your bestie, take a long bath, or go for a run. Do whatever helps you process those emotions, but in the moment, hold your ground.
Eventually, they’ll learn that those tactics don’t work with you anymore.
Step 5: Know That Boundaries Aren’t Negotiable
Sometimes, holding a boundary is as simple as saying, “I can’t tomorrow. I have a full schedule.” Most people will accept that without argument, but every once in a while, you’ll come across someone who just won’t take no for an answer. They’ll try to pressure you, guilt-trip you, or negotiate for your time.
I actually admire a tenacious person. I’m a negotiator at heart, and I always try to find middle ground. But there are moments when you don’t have to negotiate. You don’t owe anyone an excuse or explanation for your decisions. The reason might be that you planned to take a bubble bath, or watch a favorite show, or read a book. Once you give an excuse then some people take it as an invitation to help you to better prioritize your time — in their favor! Remember, “No.”, is a complete sentence.
Instead of offering an excuse or going into the details of why you can’t, simply say, “I’m not available,” or “I can’t make it,” or “I have promises to keep.” The reason doesn’t matter—it’s not up for discussion. The only person who needs to know the reason behind your boundary is you.
Step 6: Practice Makes Progress
Like anything, learning to set boundaries and hold your ground takes practice. The first time you stand firm, it might feel uncomfortable. You might even second-guess yourself later. But the more you practice it, the easier it gets. Each time you hold your line, you’re reinforcing the message to yourself and to others: I respect myself and I expect others to do the same.
So, the next time you feel pressured to do something you don’t want to, try this:
- Set your boundary: Know what you’re willing and not willing to accept.
- Hold your ground: Don’t offer excuses. A simple, “I’m not available” is enough.
- Stay calm and respectful: Smile, be kind, but be firm.
- Be proud of yourself: You’re standing up for what’s important to you.
Remember, when you learn to set boundaries and actually hold your ground, you’re not being rigid or difficult—it’s about self-respect. And when you respect yourself, others will learn to follow your lead.
Step 7: The Long-Term Benefits of Boundaries
Let’s face it—nobody likes conflict. It’s uncomfortable. It can be awkward. But conflict isn’t always a bad thing, especially when it’s a result of you standing up for yourself. Over time, the people around you will start to respect your boundaries, even if they don’t like it at first. They’ll know that you’re not someone who can be easily swayed or manipulated.
This doesn’t just apply to bosses and colleagues; it applies to every relationship in your life—friends, family, romantic partners. The more consistently you set boundaries, the healthier your relationships will become.
And here’s another benefit: you’ll start to attract people who respect boundaries. When you send the message that you value yourself, others will value you too.
Step 8: Celebrate Your Wins
Every time you successfully hold a boundary, no matter how small, it’s a victory. Take a moment to acknowledge that. Whether you turned down an invitation because you genuinely needed time for yourself, or you stood up to someone who was trying to push your buttons, you’re making progress.
So, let’s do this together. The next time you set a boundary and hold it, I want to hear about it. Comment below and let me know how it went. Did you feel empowered? Nervous? Relieved? I’m here to cheer you on because this is a journey we’re all on together.
In the end, it’s not about always getting your way. It’s about ensuring you’re treated with the respect and dignity you deserve. So yes, in that sense, it is my way or the highway. And I’m okay with that.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries aren’t walls meant to shut people out. They’re a great tool that you put in place for yourself so you can stay connected to others. They’re all about what YOU will do. Boundaries are NOT meant to tell other people how to behave. When you learn to tell the truth, even when the answer is no, have self-respect, AND love unconditionally (read more about this HERE,) you truly won’t need many boundaries at all. Boundaries are fences you put in your own yard, and really aren’t intended to change someone else. They’re meant for you! We often set boundaries from anger or exasperation. You don’t have to get defensive. It’s ok to let people be who they are, and you can be who you are.
So go ahead and say no when you want to. Ask yourself how you feel when you say yes. If you are feeling negative emotions, you probably should have said no. Hold your ground. You’ve got this!
