Be a Friend

If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend.  This is something my husband says whenever the question of friendship, or lack thereof, comes into a conversation.  Our very close friends just left our house from a short stopover on their way cross-country to see their actual family. I mentioned in Friday’s newsletter that these friends have become family to us.  Since we aren’t family of origin, we refer to them as our family of destiny. 

As most of you, we’ve been home for three months with no travel, or doing anything social. This is completely foreign to us.  In just this short 3 months we have cancelled a visit to Northern California, a Danube River cruise, and a convention for later in the Fall.  We’ve also missed out on social events such as a couple of concerts, a show, milestone birthday parties, our granddaughter’s birthday, my dad’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and a family wedding. We are always on the go, and it feels weird to be stuck at home.  The highlight of my week is a trip to the grocery store.

Make Time for Friends

Having relished this short day and a half with our dear friends, I feel renewed.  It felt great to have had the chance to host people we love in our home.  Both my husband and I are good cooks, and we really enjoyed cooking meals and sharing them with appreciative eaters.  We’ve only had a couple of people over to our new home in our new State, and it’s so exciting that someone wanted to come stay with us. If you like hosting friends in your home, you might enjoy reading my post about creating a welcoming guest room here.

We feel so incredibly blessed to have these tight relationships in our lives, especially since not everyone does.  I think about this topic a lot as people confide in me that they don’t really have good friends; people who they would call when they are in dire need, or just need a hug or a laugh.  Without a doubt, I know I could call several people in the middle of the night, and they’d help me.  So how do you make such great friends?

Start a Hobby

I probably wouldn’t have half as many friends if I didn’t sing in Sweet Adelines.  After 34 years in the organization, I have sung in 3 choruses, and 5 quartets.  Aside from spending countless hours rehearsing our craft, we’ve spent literal weeks, and long weekends together at competitions and educational seminars. We celebrate our birthdays, weddings, births, and in the end we all come together to celebrate the lives of those who pass on.  It’s a true community that cares about each other. 

So, if you are interested in making friends, start a hobby of some sort.  Try a series of cooking classes, community theater, surfing, yoga, or hiking. Volunteer your time at an animal shelter, or “friends of the local botanical garden” if you like to garden, anything that gets you out of your home and in with a group where you can meet people.

Join a Committee

This is a surefire way to “plug in” to a new network, neighborhood, or community.  Once you get involved in a common interest, friendships naturally happen.  You’ll meet people who like to do the things you enjoy.  You’ll be part of a team with a common goal.  It’s hard not to develop friendships with people when you are thrust together to solve a problem, raise money, or decorate the gym for a fundraiser.

Show Interest in Others

In order for people to think of you as friend material, you need to be “others centered”.  Show interest in what other people are interested in.  Don’t monopolize the conversation with stories about you.  Ask people about their lives. Cheer for their successes.  Follow up with them to see how things went with a special event, or trip. Do fun things together.

First, Be a Friend

What does it mean to “Be a Friend”?  Remember the Golden Rule?  Treat people how you want them to treat you. It has been called the law of reciprocity.  This idea crops up in lots of different cultures.  When you see someone with their arms full, open the door for them.  If you see someone standing alone at a party, go up and talk with them.

We just moved into our neighborhood at the end of last September.  We had only met our new neighbors once, on the driveway.  But they exchanged cell numbers with us, and they take the time to text to tell us if our garage door is open, or they see something amiss.  One day in April, a few weeks into the pandemic, they left a container of fresh baked banana cake on our porch.  It was such a nice thing to do.  Although we haven’t seen them very often, I know we’re going to be great friends.

Keep their secrets

It should be considered a great honor when someone trusts you enough to tell you their secrets. Be a good listener.  Most people don’t need you to solve their problems.  They just need someone to tell. Don’t disrespect them by telling others.  Nobody likes a gossip.  Don’t judge.  Never betray a friend.

Be forgiving

This is probably the most important one.  A good friend is willing to work through conflict.  If the relationship is important to you, you work through disagreements, and you forgive the other person their foibles.  I had a very close friend who did something that some people might find unforgivable, I walked in while she was talking smack about me and another friend to someone else.  But we talked it through, and I forgave her. Yet, a year or so later, in the middle of a disagreement, I said something to her face that upset her, and she stopped being my friend.  It broke my heart.  I apologized, but she didn’t forgive me.  I guess she never really was my friend, after all.

Reach Out

Sometimes life happens that prevents us from getting together. (Hello COVID-19) We might not run into each other in the course of our hobbies or activities.  So, reach out, send a text or an email to check in and see if your friend is ok.  Flowers bloom best when we maintain the garden.  You can video chat via Facetime, Zoom, or by other means when you can’t get together in person.  Send a funny card via snail mail.  Do something to let your friends know that you love them and are thinking about them.

You will be richly blessed to have good friends in your life.  The friends that let you crash at their house every other weekend for a year, the friends that you can easily invite yourself to their home if you’re passing through their neighborhood on your way somewhere else. Friends you can take on vacation with you for weeks at a time.  The easy friendship made strong by commitment, forgiveness, and love.

These are the things we do to turn a friend into family.  To have a friend, you must be a friend.  And having a friend makes life all the richer.  I am incredibly blessed to have a few of these special chosen family.  I wish the same for you.