Learn to Develop Resilience

Like many of you, our household has been sheltering in place during this pandemic. My friends fall into all the categories; those who are working from home, those who have been laid off, those who don’t work traditional jobs (think “gig economy”), and those who don’t work at all.  The online feedback from my tribe on having to stay home has run the gamut from celebration to despair. But we can all learn to develop resilience.

It is a bit unsettling for me to read such emotional turmoil when the need to stay home is beyond our control and isn’t physically harming anyone.  I get that some have lost jobs, and money is a concern. But staying home is protecting many who are in high risk of becoming terribly sick, and maybe even dying. Of course, that’s coming from the purview of someone who has recently retired and our lack of income was self-imposed. I feel incredibly blessed that our timing appears to have been perfect, and we aren’t having to scramble to figure out our life in the midst of a pandemic.

When the Going Gets Tough

That said, I’m one of those people who always finds a way. Even if our timing had been off, and our plans had been thwarted, we would have figured it out and come out ahead. I have confidence in my ability to survive, and I have the same confidence in my husband’s ability to get it done. We’re both survivors. Maybe it’s because we both are comfortable with flipping burgers, if we have to, to bring in income while building our ideal life. No job is beneath us. We’ll do what we must while we prepare to do more. So where does this confidence come from? It’s resilience.

When a friend posted an article on social media about giving oneself grace in these times, and another posted about self-care, I was flamed when I responded with a quote that motivates me. I had paraphrased a quote from a winning coach, along the lines of, “Champions succeed when they refuse to succumb to the reasonable excuse.”  I’m inspired by the underdog, the person who moves forward even in the face of adversity, when they have a really good excuse, but push through anyway. I want to be like that!

Self Care

This overused expression, “self-care”, really bugs me.  It sounds self-pitying, like licking our wounds. It mentally chips away at our ability to stand strong.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice facial, or pedicure as much as the next person.  I take time for myself to read or enjoy happy hour with my Man. Outside the situation of being a full-time caregiver, the term doesn’t resonate with me. I have been a caregiver to my grandmother in her last years, and I still can’t identify. I just don’t feel the need to call the things I do to keep myself healthy, “self-care” and make them a nurturing thing.  They’re just part of the joy in my regularly scheduled life. But we all have words that trigger, right? Don’t get me started on “skill sets”!

You can learn to develop resilience

This whole topic has me thinking about the various ways people cope with uncertainty and stress.  Are you easily rattled?  Does it stress you out if someone cancels a planned outing with you?  Do you take things personally when someone chooses an option that is different from yours?  Are you disappointed if someone gives recognition to a coworker, but not to you?

In this time of uncertainty, what skills do you draw on to cope?  This is a great time to practice resilience.  Resilience is a skill. It’s not an innate attribute. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can learn to control how we respond to those events. We can learn to develop resilience.

Sheryl Sandberg said, “We develop resilience by believing we will get through hard things.”

I was reading about her book, OptionB, which she wrote following the death of her husband.  On her OptionB website, there is a link to a TedTalk given by Psychologist Kelly McGonigal.  It was a very interesting, and timely answer to my questions.  She references a study that tracked 30,000 adults in the US, for 8 years.  The research basically debunks the theory that stress makes you sick.  You can catch Dr. McGonigal’s talk here: https://optionb.org/build-resilience/video/how-to-make-stress-your-friend .

Key points to understanding and developing resilience:

1. People who experience a lot of stress had a 43% increase in risk of dying, but this was only true for those who also believed that stress is harmful for your health.
2. Those who experienced a lot of stress but did not view stress as harmful had the lowest risk of dying than anyone in the study, including people who had relatively little stress.
3. In stress response, your body is preparing you to rise to the challenge. If you’re breathing fast, no problem, you’re getting more oxygen to your brain.  The participants who were taught to view their physical reactions as helpful, their blood vessels stayed relaxed, even when under stress response.  The brain scans actually looked like joy and courage.
4. Stress makes you social:  Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, is a stress hormone.  Your body pumps it out at the same time as adrenaline, the hormone that makes your heart pound.  When oxytocin is released into your system, it’s motivating you to seek support, to talk with someone rather than bottling it up.  Your stress response wants you to be surrounded by people who care about you. (This is likely why some people are struggling with social distancing.)
5. Oxytocin doesn’t just act on your brain; it acts on your body.  It’s a natural anti-inflammatory.  It’s helpful for your heart! Your stress response has a built-in mechanism for stress resilience, and that mechanism is human connection.
6. People who spent time caring for others showed no stress related increase in dying.  Caring created resilience. 
7. When you choose to see your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. 
8. When you choose to connect with others under stress, you create resilience.

Simple Biology

In my search to understand why people are having such strong reactions to their current home-bound status, I learned that the “self-care” that annoys me, really doesn’t help the stress in peoples lives.  They’ll get more relief by helping others.  But I also learned that stress response may be precisely why some people are having trouble coping.  They are not permitted to be with others, as their biology is urging through oxytocin delivery.

Try a Virtual Happy Hour

I’ve really enjoyed visiting with people online and encourage everyone to give it a try. It’s not exactly the hug that my body craves, but it’s better than nothing. I’m more of an introvert who enjoys my alone time. Video conferencing works for me and other people who enjoy being alone. I do feel a little stir crazy in this many weeks of social distancing, but a walk around the neighborhood, or a longer drive in the car helps me to see the outside world. I’m enjoying learning new things at home, from baking bread, to building this website. When the going gets tough, my stress response is to take action, to take control over whatever I can control.

I know that doesn’t help my extroverted friends.  They need the energy of being together to feed their souls. They thrive on variety, on hustle and bustle, and on hugs. (I love hugs too.)  They could find ways to engage with others in ways that keep them safe.  Maybe this is where the “self-care” comes in. By finding ways to reduce their stress response, they minimize their adrenaline and oxytocin, and their need to seek comfort with others.

Simply Believe

In the end, simply believing that we will survive this challenge, will keep us healthier and help us to develop resilience.  The more success we have at surviving disappointments, the more likely we are to believe we can get through hard things.

Drop a comment below if you’d like to share the ways you are keeping sane through the uncertainty.